Justin update - 14th July 2012

I still can't put into words how yesterdays thumb wrestling made me feel, it was so incredibly powerful and intense that my mind just emptied of all thoughts and my body didn't feel like my own, we became one, my thoughts were his and his mine. For once I didn't need to understand what he was thinking and it wasn't important to him how it made me feel. All I know is that it was just happening and I didn't want it to stop.

It's made me even more excited for the visits, I'm hoping I haven't built it up too much but I can't wait to "speak" with him again. I'm trying to figure out ways how I can exploit this new line of communication. How I can  get simple answers through the power of thumb wrestling. I'm open to suggestions.

He seemed a lot more awake and alert this morning than in the afternoon, but that seems par for the course at the moment. His eyes are tracking movements a lot more consistently than in the last couple of days and he is even moving is head to the direction of the sound. I found that he has more focus, ie less vacant and he's gripping more, even quite hard at times, almost like telling us that he still has strength and he's not giving up. We know that of course, but maybe he needs to remind us too. There was less thumb wrestling tonight, by the time I saw him, he'd already done 4 rounds with Janie, Dad and Mum so maybe he was all thumb wrestled out. His chest infection is all but gone and his throat tube has finally been removed, although he still had a bit of a cough up when both mum and I saw him this afternoon. I saw tears tonight, it was heartbreaking, i'm not sure if it was the pain of coughing or his emotions. I tried to distract him but it was making me upset and that wasn't helping. I didn't want to leave him tonight, I felt that there was more to say and do, 30 mins per day is so little time, it always feels so rushed, too much pressure to get some kind of reaction or response, you take anything that your given and you have to interpret it the best way you can. With any luck, he'll be moved into his own room very soon.

I write this update from a very odd place for me, but a familiar place for Justin as I'm sitting at his desk in his house, with his TV on in the background, Talo is asleep in his bed and Anita just made dinner on his stove which I don't believe he has ever used. The last time I was here was in April, I spent the night because we were having power and water problems at our other apartment. It was a Silent Noise night, since my dancing days are now over, I spent much of the night hanging around the DJ booth like a groupie. The season was drawing to a close, Justin was concerned about numbers but the place seemed pretty busy to me. Justin asked me to show some of my Parahawking movies on the big screens. Barney and Oz were mixing on the other channels, It was a great night, I remember feeling very proud of Justin, what he had created, how he'd stuck at it in the face of adversity, when others would have thrown in the towel. Justin's tenacity and sheer bloody mindedness kept him going, he believed in what he was doing and no-one was going to stop him, no matter what. That's who he is. I believed in him too as I believe in him now.

Justin gave up his bed to myself, Anita and Talo that night. I got home at about 4am, Justin rolled in at about 6pm, Talo woke up at 7pm and jumped all over Justin who was curled up on his sofa cushions covered in a sarong. He loves Talo and despite being hungover like a bastard with only 1 hour of "sleep" he just smiled at the sight of him. I remember thinking what a great brother I have, what a great uncle Talo has and what a big heart you have.